Going with the flow

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Graduating college has created in me an existential crisis of sorts. A crisis of purpose, or of calling. As I’ve been faced with post collegiate life, I’ve been brought face to face with the realization that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life; I don’t have a plan for my life. Upon reading this, you can easily imagine that this is a distressing place to be. And yet, were you to ask someone who knows me well, you would learn that it is not the not knowing that gives me discomfort, but rather it is the feeling of not living up to the many expectations from parents and relatives and friends who subtly ask about my future plans, my dating prospects, my professional goals… They know as well as I do that the answers are elusive, my responses vague.

I can tell you from past experience that my dreams have a way of evolving over time. The things I set my mind to do upon graduating high school are not the same dreams I now have after graduating college. As a child, I remember asking one of my babysitters what she wanted to be when she grew up. She replied that she wanted to be a missionary and I immediately wondered why in the world she would want to do that and I expressed my complete distaste at the idea of ever doing that myself. Upon graduating high school, when asked about my dreams for the future, I aptly replied that I wanted to be an awesome mom. Just a couple years ago, I applied for a position as an intern at a Wichita company I practically idolized and, though they reached out and expressed that they didn’t hire summer interns, I was bound and determined to work there when I graduated.

Funny. Here I am. Working in the mission field with no dating prospects (much less mother prospects), still living in Lawrence as that Wichita company is no longer my dream job. My, how my life plans have changed. I used to think it would be the end of the world if those old me dreams didn’t come to pass. But now, I find myself happy where I’m at and saying that causes me to rejoice in the great things the Lord has accomplished in my heart.

One of my greatest struggles as a child and teen was contentment. If the circumstances weren’t right, my attitude wasn’t either. Bitterness ruled my heart and my actions. I was manipulative in my relationships with friends and family, trying to control circumstances and activities and the relationships themselves so I could be happy. Yet by His grace, as a freshman in college, God slapped me in the face with the reality that I was looking in those circumstances for the joy and contentment I could only find in Him. This is one of the most transformational changes I can point to as the work of His Spirit in my life. Over time, God has changed me from a manipulative egocentric happiness seeker into someone who can truly find joy in the here and now.

All of that to say, I am content in the here and now. I am content not being sure about what the next step is after my year-long ministry stint with the Oread Center. I am content in letting God direct my steps as I dream and make crazy plans to move overseas and move to Wichita and get a job in Canada and find a job in Denver and imagine getting a job as an au pair and brainstorm about starting my own company and wonder about getting married and adopting kids and doing foster care and traveling a lot and learning to fly a plane and staying in Lawrence with the community I love here…

What matters in the here and now is that I am faithful each day to the things God has called me to in the here and now. He has called me to be faithful in my part time job as a graphic designer, to be diligent and work carefully on the tasks my boss hands down to me. He has called me to be faithful in my ministry with the Oread Center as I use my design skills to aid the work of the ministry and my relational skills to connect with and encourage and pray for girls I meet. He has called me to be faithful to my church, which He has generously blessed me with and allowed me to serve and deeply root myself in community. He has called me to be faithful in my relationships with my roommates and I live alongside them with respect and friendship, serving and encouraging them when possible. He has called me to be faithful in nurturing and protecting the children I get to babysit from time to time.

So, if you wonder what my plan is for my life or what I want to do with my life, my answer may vary depending on the day, but ultimately, my plan for my life is to walk with Christ and remain faithful to my call day by day. I’m okay going with the flow and playing it by ear for the other details to fall into place.

Step by step, as I faithfully walk the path of the here and now, the here and now will daily become the what’s next. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me 6 months or a year or 3 years or 10 years from now, but I’m content waiting to find out. My dreams and plans are great, but I know His will and His plan is greater.